


shower sobs

by ellagie



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sibling Bonding, Sibling Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-14
Updated: 2018-09-10
Packaged: 2019-05-21 15:45:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14918213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellagie/pseuds/ellagie
Summary: Taako is struggling with the trauma of his past. Lup is trying to figure out how to reconnect with Taako but he isnt talking.





	1. Chapter 1

He couldn’t bring himself down. Still caught in the panic of another night terror, he found himself unable to feel the sheets beneath him, or the cold dead mass beside him that was his loving boyfriend. What he could feel was the ghost of a hand, bracing the back of his neck, pinning back his ears. This wasn’t the first time he’d had this sensation, and it wouldn’t be the last.  
It was frustrating. Why couldn’t he feel? As he grasped deftly as the sheets beneath him, he tried to focus on his breathing. Why couldn’t he convince himself this was real. His apathy set off a deep-rooted wrongness, echoing in his chest. He should feel sad, scared, angry, hurt—but there was nothing. His brain—his body—felt numb. He was tired, and he couldn’t bring himself to cry as badly as he wanted to. There was only anger towards himself, for not being able to feel like a living creature—not being able to handle reality—not being “normal”.  
“You’re broken.”  
It came out in a flat hiss, the only sound he could make. He knew what Magnus would tell him to do: name 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3—. But as much as this wrongness frustrated him, he couldn’t bring himself to care. It didn’t seem worth the effort. HE wasn’t worth the effort. Why work on something so badly damaged it can never be fixed.  
The room he surveyed was small—a high ceiling, a big window, a simple bed. Clothes were scattered over the floor. He had to remind himself where he was. That he lived here.  
‘This is my room. This is my home’  
But was it?  
He’d lived so many placed before it was hard to remember which Taako fit through each door. There was a Taako that managed a business, living out of a caravan, cooking and listening to Sazed sing over campfires. There was another Taako, who held himself masterfully at his sister’s side—a half of a whole—clever and quick witted—or was that Lup? He’d only reflected her. Together they took the streets by storm.  
But Lup would have never spent the night beside Sazed.  
Of course,…. Lup wasn’t real then.  
Was she even real now?

He decided then that this game of back and forth marring his thoughts was useless. He rolled gracelessly out of bed and did what he did whenever a mission rattled the angry hive in his head. He turned the shower on--full blast--hot as can be. He crawled into the tub and laid there, letting his skin burn and breathing in the steam as it and the drumming of water lulled him into a nice in between. Not alive. Not dead. Just here.

Lup shifted as Barry’s arms retreated. He rolled peacefully in his sleep while she was struggling to relax. Something was gnawing at her, keeping her on edge. Her new body maybe? She didn’t quite know, until she listened close enough o the silence to hear the light drum of the shower.  
“Taako?”  
It was strange to feel her words be molded by lips. It was the single word she had screamed for years as she sat in that red velvety prison, as her brother fought and hurt and lived a universe away from her. Helplessly she watched him struggle and bleed. Even through the thrall of her release, she had immediately recognized an unfamiliar look in his eyes. He was vacant. Lonely in ways that she’d only briefly seen before, back when their parents had left them and he took it as a sign of his own incompetents. He would spend the nights lying awake with his guilt, waiting for Lup to disappear too. This emptiness was a little different though…and then there was the skittishness. She had seen Taako scared. They’d spend many day uncertain if they would survive until the next. But this? This was worse.  
He was hurting in a way she didn’t understand, and it killed her.  
As she stood in the dark hall, outside he bathroom door, she was met with disturbing hesitation. Had Taako really drifted so far... She decided not to entertain the thought any longer. This was her baby bro. So she did what any loving sister would do: skip knocking and let herself in. The lights were on, unnecessary and bright. When had he become afraid of the dark? That had been the time when they felt safest as children, finally having an advantage over the rest of the world with their keen sight.  
She stepped closer and saw him curled in the bottom of the tub. His head was tucked under his arms as the shower rained down on him and filled the room with steam. His wet pajamas clung to him, emphasizing what she had already noticed: he’d lost weight.  
So charming it was borderline obnoxious, Taako had never been wanting for company. But this isolation, this level of self-loathing left him crumpled on the floor like an empty wrapper. He laid here hurting and alone while his undead boyfriend, loving sister and amazing friends were mere feet away. It was terrifying to see him so far gone. Shut up inside himself with walls and defenses she had never seen the likes of. For the first time in her life, she was out of her league.  
She reached down and touched his shoulder. With the slightest brush he jumped, straightening up and pushing back and raising a hand in defense before he could even focus his eyes. She didn’t know what to say, so she didn’t speak. She simply turned the tap off and sat on the edge of the tub. Taako was still breathing hard, his ears twitched and his eyes occasionally darted to the door, as if he were expecting someone to come barging through. She noticed a slight tremble in his hands, but kept quiet. Sometimes Taako would only speak truthfully in complete silence. This wasn’t her moment anyway. The ball was in his court.  
“I like the sound. Could you turn it back on please?”  
Lup tried not to look too startled. God bless the poker face her two minutes of seniority had granted her. Taako was never this polite. Never this timid and…awkward.  
She stood up, making an effort to move a little slower than usual. She adjusted the nozzle before restarting the tap and climbing into the other end of the tub. The water poured between them like a wall. She hated it, but hoped it could make him feel better. A little safer maybe.  
They sat like that for hours, until a soft knock on the door told them the crew was waking up.  
Lup yelled “ladies first! Beat it!” and tossed Taako a towel.  
Merle’s muffled protests retreated and Lup peaked out the door, giving her brother the clear before sneaking back into her room to wake Barry with her wet hair.


	2. Chapter 2

       This routine continued for months.

       She would hear the shower start and give Taako a few minutes alone before knocking softly on the bathroom door. Taako no longer slept curled on the shower floor. Instead they sat together in silence, listening to the water. Some nights he would scooch closer and doze on her shoulder. Those nights were rare, but she treasured them. They were her source of hope. These new and strange behaviors—the walls and spikes—they weren’t meant to shut her out. He was hurting and just didn’t know how to reach out. He wasn’t ready. And though it broke her heart to think there was something he hesitated to share with her—she knew he needed time. Time and patience and gentle love.

       That’s where Kravitz came in.

       That man wore patience like a second skin when it came to loving her brother. It was almost irritating how good he was at waiting. She supposed being a servant of death for thousands of years would do that to a person. The first night she saw him, he was standing deathly quiet ( ~~no~~ pun intended) at the end of the hall. She fought the urge to smirk when she saw him there in his silky pajama bottoms. His dreads were loose, hanging around his broad shoulders like ornaments that perfectly accessorized his face. She had to admit, baby bro knew how to pick em. His red eyes were shrouded in a gentle concern that seemed worn—as if he were used to the feeling of waking up and finding his beloved missing from bed.

       They stared at each other in silence, Taako’s door between them. Lup sifted through excuses in her head that could fool an emissary of death and spare Taako an unwanted emotional confrontation. But Kravitz only smiled weakly, speaking so quietly she could barely hear. It sounded something like, “you’re late.”She opened her mouth, but before she could respond he had retreated silently into his shared bedroom.

       That night she had stayed up late talking with Barry and had woken up to the shower already running. By the time she opened the door the room was already filled with steam. Neither of them spoke, but Taako leaned into her side and she couldn’t help but notice the slightest tremble in his shoulders as he cried without making a sound.

       She waited, but Kravitz didn’t speak a word of that night. Taako made breakfast more obnoxiously than usual. He even went so far as to wake Magnus early so they could all “enjoy the beauty of his cooking and showmanship as a big stupid family.” Kravitz smiled and laughed throughout the whole ordeal, applauding at every right moment and showing none of the concern he wore so heavily a few nights prior. While Taako was absorbed with humming and handwashing the dishes, she volunteered to help Krav clean the table.

       Casually she slipped a whisper in between the clanking of dishes, but “How long?” was all she could bring herself to ask. Kravitz stayed quite as Angus raced by with one of Magnus’s strays, methodically stacking plates with that award-winning poker face. Lup was just starting to doubt he’d heard her, when his gaze started fading into a far-off place.

       “I tried,” he said, looking heavy with the memory. “He needs you.”

       He turned then, and smiled like someone had turned all the lights on in his chest. He dropped off the plates and scooped Taako into a hug from behind. The elf protested as Kravitz held him hostage in his embrace, kissing his neck and dodging the dirty sponge he was being threatened with.

       It was strange to see the way life was weaving its way around this trauma. Things had happened when she was away. Things so horrible he couldn’t sleep, or speak about it. But here he was, slapping the man he loved with dirty dish rags and laughing between curses.

       “Hard to believe this world was dying a few months ago, huh?” Barry was leaned against the door, watching her with careful eyes, his hands in the pockets of his stupid, wonderful blue jeans. She wasted no time crossing the room and sliding her hands into his other pockets. Barry still blushed, after all these years, and kissed her with a suppressed smile.

       There was something in the air here, or maybe it was a feeling. Whatever it was, she wanted to remember it. She had been happy since her return to the physical realm, but this was different. A brief moment of peace maybe? It tasted tangy, and felt light and jittery in her chest. Things were changing again, and as much as it hurt, seeing her brother in pain, she was beginning to look forward to shower nights. It felt like something was shifting between them. They were filling in the cracks, a pebble each night. And as long as he would have her, she would be there. Waiting and loving him.


	3. Chapter 3

       The first night he spoke, he kept himself at the other end of the tub, the wall of steaming water between them. “You were gone and I didn’t even know it.”

       A twinge of pain echoed in her new bones. Guilt, she realized, that she left him alone. Only now did she understand that he felt that same guilt for losing her.

       “You were my heart Lu…without you I…” Taako’s face darkened and he pulled into himself. His eyes flashed dangerously, burning in memories of self-loathing.

       “I hate who I became.” The words were whispered, fighting past tears, forced out with anger between clenched teeth. They sat heavily between them. Emotions seemed to be bubbling inside him, building up pressure as he hissed them back down with quick breaths and stiff fingers. It was only a moment, before Taako’s collapsed shoulders froze over, sealing himself in the grief and pain.

       She couldn’t stand it. So she said, “I can’t stand this,” and closed the distance between them. She enveloped Taako into her arms. He didn’t cry, or speak, but they soon fell asleep intertwined like they use to all those years ago.

       That following evening they had plans to take Angus to his violin recital and have dinner with the crew. Taako was dressed to the nines, citing is as one of the most important events of the year—and, quite frankly, the most exciting since he retired from saving the world.

       The evening was nothing short of wonderful. Angus grinned and blushed when his family made the most noise of them all. When Kravitz presented him with a bouquet at the end of the night he teared up and threw himself into the undead bard’s legs. It was dinner that turned the evening on its head.

       Taako had been talking this place up for weeks, and when they were seated he poured over the menu like it was a new spell, listing ingredients with contagious excitement. The waiter was a tall human man with awkwardly large shoulders. He smiled at Angus and congratulated him on his special night. After gathering everyone’s orders, he turned to Taako and said, “Your dress is lovely sir. Red is definitely your color.” Angus chirped that he too had thought Taako looked especially stunning that evening. The table all hummed in agreement, but alarm bells were ringing in Lup’s head.

       Taako’s expression was unnatural and his eyes had been cast into another world. He started blankly, nodding and smiling while his eyes were glued to some invisible thing. She noticed Kravitz grew silent as well. His eyes were casually picking apart Taako’s body language; the way he drew his arms closer to his side, the tension growing in curve of his back. Merle made a sarcastic joke about the eccentric sequence dress, and Taako grinned suddenly and excused himself from the table.

       He didn’t return.

       Lup made a move to exit the booth but was caught by Kravitz’s surprisingly hard gaze. _“Stay put.”_ She knew what he meant without hearing a word. 

       He politely excused himself to check on Taako while Angus excitedly explained the composition of his solo. Kravitz soon returned with an apologetic smile and a composure that blew her poker face out of the water. He explained that Taako wasn’t feeling well and that he would be taking him home. Before he turned, Lup caught that same steely flash in his eyes. _"Don't follow_." If she left it would make a scene and everyone would worry. Taako would feel guilty for ruining Ango’s big night. So, she resigned herself to sit and smile as she choked down her food while her bones rang with worry.

       Something was really wrong. 

       She got a box for Taako’s food, hoping it would help him in ways she apparently couldn’t.

       That night his food sat in the fridge untouched, and neither Taako nor Kravitz emerged to say goodnight. When the shower finally rattled to life, she sprang out of bed, practically running down the hall, but when she pulled the door open it clunked in protest. She tried turning the knob the other way but it remained closed.

       Taako had locked her out.

       She tried to quiet the growing panic. She knocked quietly and whispered his name. Suddenly everything felt very loud. The roar of the shower was sure to wake everyone up. She needed to see him. To hold him and fix this before everything fell apart. She could hear him in there, fumbling and hissing, he was crying and talking to himself, words she could hear but not understand. It was a moment before she realized he was speaking another language. It sounded like goblin or orc speak. It had never occurred to her that he might speak languages she couldn’t.

       She knocked a little louder, speaking his name at full volume, but his hissing only grew more vicious. The words sounded violent, like they were ripping through him with each accompanied sob. The panic became overwhelming. She couldn’t stand feeling so helpless. Not again.

       “Taako,” she spoke loud enough for everyone to hear. She didn’t care anymore, nothing was more important than getting to him right this second. “Koko please, let me in.” There was a crash and she jumped, her panic bleeding into a hoarse scream.

      “Taako-!” A heavy hand and a soothing velvety voice stopped her. She turned to see Kravitz’s deep red eyes looking sad and firm.

      “Leave him.”

       Her eyes were wide with fear and rising tears, but her hair crackled with arcane fire as defiance rose in her voice, “He’s my brother-!”

      “I know.” His interruption was gentle, but left no room for arguing. She could see he was frightened as well.

      “He likes to be left alone.” Merle was standing in his own darkened door. He didn’t look surprised, but he appeared a lot older. “He gets like this sometimes now.”

       The weight of that word hit like a punch.

       Now.

       There were years she had missed. Experiences. The Taako she was calling out for was then—and this was Now. He was oceans away, in a world no one knew how to sail to because she hadn’t been there to make a map.

      “It’s nothing personal.” Magnus, burly and yawning and covered in dog hair, stood there, knowing more than she did about her twin in this very moment. Her other half… “He wouldn’t want Ango woken up, we should try to stay quiet.” Lup turned, searching frantically for her last source of comfort. And sure enough Barry was waiting in the door way of their room, looking sadly at her when it hit.

      She strangled the first sob into a pathetic squeak, her shoulders shook once before she barreled into her room. She slid down, her back against the door as Barry knelt, speaking softly words she couldn't hear over the roar of her heart beat. She clutched her hands tight to her chest, feeling like she could hold herself together, and plug the crack where she was bleeding out these horrible feelings. There was the loneliness and hurt, but she swore she could feel Taako’s pain rolling through her like waves. She might not know what this was about, but he was still her twin. Her heart. And she could feel his pain as clearly as her own.

       That evening was an old fashion Taco fam cry sesh. As Kravitz crouched outside the bathroom and Barry held her tightly she was reminded of her aunt—bewildered when one twin returned with an injury only to find the second one blubbering just as violently.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is really short, but the final chapter will come soon. Hopefully by the end of the week

There’s this waking phenomenon where, the day after something awful happens, people have this small moment of relief in their innocent ignorance. They wake and forget where they are. A timeless pause, where everything familiar feels present, and everything real and awful feels like a dream. Lup wasn’t sure what that felt like, but she wished she did right about now. She had tied meditating but was too restless. She had stirred with every noise and spent most of the night laying in a shallow grave of despair, feeling as if, ever so slowly, it was being filled to the brim, and she couldn’t move to escape—couldn’t sit up, rise her hands to the edge, push air from her lungs.   
She lay as still as the ceiling she’d stared at all evening. As the sun rose, as the house filled with the morning sounds of shuffling feet and yawns, as dogs barked, and people drove past, she was there: still, aware, but not present. 

Barry stirred and began shifting and stretching his way into consciousness. She dreaded having to find the energy to tell him she wished to be left alone, but evidently didn’t have to. He offered a small “good morning babe,” and a gentle kiss on her arm but after realizing she had gone nonverbal he left the room quietly, only to return with a glass of water and a single shoulder squeeze before leaving her to sprawl across the bed in solitude.   
When the door cracked open, half way through the morning, she laid in silence waiting for Barry’s gentle “Mm” of compassion before he spoke. There was a long silence that felt tenser than Barry’s usual awkward, thoughtful pauses. The covers rustled and a flash of purple and gold was all she saw before a body masterfully wedged its way into her nest. Of course it was Taako. It had to be. No one else knew how to untangle her web of blankets as effortlessly as he. And yet her heart, newly strained in doubt, relaxed the moment she was proven right. 

Taako looked like shit. The word “overcast” came to mind. As if all his waters had drained back before the tsunami hit; he was the lifeless grey before the sky gets dark with a storm. His ears drooped, he wouldn’t meet her eyes, but she grabbed him without hesitation; holding him close and dropping her chin onto his shoulder as they both began sobbing. Neither of them could speak, so they didn’t. They simply clung to each other, crying into their equally gorgeous—but frazzled—hair. As Taako began to still, she worried that he might begin to close up again. She wanted answers, she wanted to understand so she could fix; that had always been her job: Taako maintenance and repair. But things were different now…she decided not to assume that she knew best because…well she didn’t know anymore. Taako had lived a life separate from hers—for the first time in hundreds of years—and she couldn’t pretend to have the power to know what he needed. Taako didn’t need to be fixed. He needed patience and love and maybe some space. With a sigh, she accepted the reality and allowed herself to let go and drift into sleep.


	5. Basically the ending of chapter four but also kind of chapter 5

They napped undisturbed through the afternoon. Barry broke the seal—stopping in to offer food—and after that Kravitz periodically brought in glasses of water, whether they had drank the last few or not, and reminded them to re-hydrate after all that crying. Taako fell into a weak fit of giggles when Kravitz ran out of space on the nightstand for his newest offering. The reaper blushed but didn’t try to hide the relief that flooded his eyes. 

They stayed in bed, braiding each other’s hair, recalling distant memories until Taako grew quiet. Lup allowed the silence to stretch and comfort him. He sat very still, as if fighting not to be seen. His hands were clenched tightly together, and she had to look closely to make sure he was still breathing. She gently combed her fingers through his hair—relived to see him begin to relax.

“There was a guy.”

Lup caught her collapsing breath. Without saying anything else, she knew what was coming. She tried to focus on the small relief that he was talking to her again. He was here, breathing and alive and…at least not totally destroyed. 

“His name was Sazed.”

Sazed. Sazed. Sazed. An orc, or a goblin. She would remember that name until she was sure he was rotting in hell. She wanted to melt his skin with her own two hands. 

“I met him at one of my shows. He liked the red Skirt I was wearing…said it-it was my color.”

She breathed a small “oh,” and then continued playing with his hair. It was important to keep herself in check and under control. The last thing Taako needed right now was for her to start lighting the place on fire. His eyes were empty and distant; numb and glazed over to recall the memories while detaching from the reality—the pain. She knew that look all too well. Kravitz had once used the word dissociation. 

“He joined my caravan. He said he loved me.” There was a small silence before he could say: “I loved him too.”

“The first time it happened I thought it was my fault. He didn’t want to, but I dragged him to the tavern. We both got drunk but—,” Lup had to remind herself to keep breathing. Steady. He needs you. She took a particularly deep one, and Taako followed suit. “I said no.”

The words rang. They sat and stung and pierced every part of her universe. 

“After that he…changed. It was small—I didn’t realize it…. but he was…cruller. He criticized me—told me I could do nothing right. He got angry when I defended myself so I stopped and I’d tell him I was tired, but he got really upset—" His voice was raising in pitch, she hadn’t heard him voice his emotions so loudly before. Usually he was more of a dark room, half sentence whisper kind of person. But he had slowly begun speaking faster and louder, stretching out his breaths until he was panting and struggling to slow his gasps for air. 

“He’d say I didn’t love him, that I cared more about my show then I did him.” She reached slowly for his hand and brought it to her chest. Placing her hand on his, she began breathing slow and deep. Taako paused and slowed down. He was crying but his eyes looked too wide and far off. 

“It happened a lot, but it was different after…” He trembled then, as he fought back cries she could only imagine. She wanted to scream and howl, like a wounded animal, so she could only imagine what he was holding back as he bit his thumb and hunched over himself. His tears were hot, and his face contorted behind his clenched fist. She didn’t bother hiding the tears that streamed down her face. 

“One night I tried to tell him to stop yelling. He was drunk and he just…. shoved me. It was small but…he knew, and I knew. It was different…. I got mad and he decided to-to ‘make it up’ to me. 

It got worse when I wouldn’t let him on the show. I didn’t know he had killed those people but…I should’ve. He took everything from me. He left me in the dirt and told me I was disgusting. He tried to kill me in more ways than one…but I was never strong enough to leave him. I loved him, and I was afraid…that…that no one else could see everything he saw and…still stay.”

He looked up suddenly, his body curling forward as he clutched her shoulder. The emotions running with his tears made him look terrified in a way she remembered from youth. He looked scared and desperate for her to understand…because he felt like he had done something wrong. 

"When I lost you I—I lost my heart, I didn’t know what it felt like to be loved and I thought—,” His words came fast and pleading, but she couldn’t look at him like that. She grabbed his shaking shoulders and pulled him close, wrapping her arms around him as her embrace triggered a fresh bout of sobs. He was trying to speak—but the sounds ripping and struggling from his throat sounded animalish. She was reminded of an elk they had once saw. A baby. It was injured and had been left by its heard to die. It screamed for three days before one of the caravan men finally killed it. 

When he finally said it, it fell from his mouth like glass.

“I thought I deserved it.” 

She imagined him holding these thoughts under his tongue—jagged and sharp—bleeding between every smile. What did it feel like to hold that kind of secret inside for so long. To have something constantly cutting and nicking; to feel the blood draining down your throat. The assiduity of fear. 

They clung to each other for the remainder of the afternoon. Making distance from the storm and waiting for a landing place where they could analyze the water without being tossed by the waves.


End file.
